The Storyteller

[Red Heart]

That worm is turning so much it must be chapped. No Harvard, well thats one thing down, had a long talk with the head of the department yesterday...seems Im too old to ever be tenured anywhere, so what is the sense of getting a PhD? Ego? A waste of time? A way to sabotage myself and to eternally postpone settling on anything? Ok well that door has closed. Where is the window? I have options to be sure, I just dont have a clear vision of which one to take. Im tired. Im worn right the fuck out. I feel the pressure of debt, I feel the pressure of having to make some sort of decision, classes start again Monday. I need to just stop, yet I am afraid of stopping...afraid of failing.
I find myself going back to old fears, old failures, old issues and picking at them. I have seen others do it. Just before a huge change happens they have a breakdown. All the fears bubbling to the surface, warning of FAILURE!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!!!! I hate this part, however it is imperative that I do, and imperative that I realized the danger is all in my head and to not be paralyzed by old old stuff...like "who do you think you are?" "There is no place for you here." "You belong down there not up here." "you arent smart, pretty, thin, disciplined, good, faithful...ad nauseum enough"....I hate that one. So I will continue to dump all this crap here and hope that the power of the words will stay here and out of my head...

[Gonzo]

Dump on. Hopefully, that's one of the functions of this place, and hopefully, it helps.

[Red Heart]

I dont know how I do it really....intent focused like a laser? Dumb luck? Genuine seeking? I dunno but it does get weirder and weirder...holy fucksticks!

I got a phone call yesterday from a dear old friend. He is a very successful teacher, counselor, author, human. I told him of my conversation with the head of the department, and what options are available to me. What happened next I am still reeling from. He told me that he had just accepted a position on the board of regents where he got his degree. He is working to improve the level of the program that he went through. He offered me three things 1. To be mentored by him through my PhD 2. to help him by taking over some of his clientele here in the northeast so he can move on to other things 3. he plans to start his own University and wants me to teach/create a curriculum called Science of Spirituality....I am totally having a Charlie Bucket Moment.
One of the people who knows me best on the planet wants to do WHAT? You mean I can do what brings me joy? Nah...that cant be right....can it? Whats the catch? Well if I know him...there isnt one except amazingly hard work, introspection and honesty, not to mention an expectation that I will release the notion that life has to be hard, work has to be hard, and life can be lived joyfully and fullfillingly...NOT THAT!
I havent felt this calm and peaceful since I started this whole mess...Holy Crap, what will today bring? I cant wait to find out!

[Red Heart]

On trust:
Easy to get, easy to lose...impossible to get back. I choose who I speak with, what I say to them, and what to respond...being recorded is wrong, especially when you are not told that you are being recorded. In many instances that could be a violation of privacy...when you are not advised that you will be recorded...just wrong. I will not go back

[Red Heart]

Ok I will go back...got a little pissy there
Okie doke well then, autolysis with others. There has been a niggling at my brain lately...I have written about it before, identifying what is being sought. I have been accused of being too intellectual about the whole business, and too rigid. There are reasons for both. It occurs to me that if you are not aware of exactly what you believe you can never explore it, and never do complete autolysis on it because you don't know what is lurking...sloppy. If something is never defined then one cannot take responsibility for it, explore it or integrate it. For example: "I am working to lose my ego." Thats a pretty common one. First, what is I? Where does it live? What does it need? What is wrong with I that needs to be changed? What does work mean? (I know this all sounds pretty picky) What is the work? Why work? Lose...what does that mean? Transform? (that's a better word imo) Why transform? Transform to what? How is this transformation better than what is presently the case? Then there is the ever popular ego. I do not see ego as a bad thing which has gotten me some really interesting debates. Ego is the way we see the world. A dysfunctional ego tells us a story that does not quite jive with this reality. What I mean by that is the "Im not good enough" "I cant do what makes me happy because I have to _______ (take care of my family, not good enough, waiting for someone/thing to save me, pick one.). Conversely a dysfunctional ego will tell us things that are not true on the other end of the spectrum. I am the greatest! I am a guru. I am better than ____. I don't have to listen to any wisdom, I am already ______ . Both are destructive in their own way. It seems that people don't like to hear what you can do proficiently, they just want to hear how miserable and lacking we are so we can then come in and save them (ramble ramble...just trying to work this out) It appears that there is an issue with definition...looking at something with ruthless objectivity, with no right or wrong answer, just pure exploration.
Ok so I have rambled rambled rambled. Here are some of my questions with out a filter or without judgment as empty cupped as I can be:
What is mind? Why do I seek? What am I seeking? What is seeking, and am I really seeking understanding or something else? If there is something else what is it? Is my mind a part of my body or something different?
Is God different than me? Am I different than God? Can I manipulate my environment for the betterment of myself and my family? What happens during dreaming? Why can I dream with some but not with others? What is the mechanism of dreaming with others? How do I affect each others with my energy? What is that energy? where does it come from? How do I manipulate it?
Ok thats enough for now, Im giving myself a headache...

[Red Heart]

Hey Malcolm ya bastid...see what you started? I am forever in your debt. ~D

[Red Heart]

what a week!
If you haven't experienced The Wei Chi system of Natural Healing I suggest that you find a practitioner and do it. Wow! Powerful stuff that...So Sunday I went and met with the people with whom I will be working...what a lovely bunch of people, I had forgotten that there are folks out there like that...anyway I digress. So after this session of Wei Chi I have homework, and what better place to work it out but here...confronting the Storyteller head on. So to begin. My homework is "to claim my fabulousness!" Finding ways to reclaim my fabulousness everyday...This being among other things my journal of "How I was Fabulous today". I will start with yesterday as today is new...
Yesterday I discovered (this will be a duh moment for some) I have become angry and working my way toward bitter at an alarming pace. I do not like who I am becoming. Ok, well with that said I really did not realize it till yesterday. Odd. So I told my husband and he looked at me askance and said ok, well now what? Good question. My first response was to quit, to separate myself from the people who had "done me wrong"...to which my sweetie replied.."really? so then you can find yourself in the same situation somewhere else?" Oh dear. That means that I am going to have to DO something? SHit! Sometimes it sucks to live with a person like that...so anyway, it occured to me that this is an amazing opportunity to resolve some old stuff before I move on to something else. But How? I dont have a guru to tell me (ok I do but only in my head) so I have come up with a plan...to release it. <gasp> is that possible? Can I just let it go to the wind? Dont I have to pick at it and deconstruct it and resolve it? Wellllll...I have picked at it, till Im just about bitchy with self righteous anger, and hurt which is overflowing into many parts of my life outside of the situation...ok well thats not working. Deconstruct it, I often wake up deconstructing it and ruminating it and and and and and...thats not helpful. What was my part in it? I asked some questions, I was a little strident, I never confronted the situation head on, and neither did anyone else. I let it fester. Ok well cool. What was their part in it? Betrayal, insecurity, backbiting, and rigidity, and an unwillingness to talk about it. Ok well then. Alot of rigid behaviors. What to do? SEE it for what it is. Do not personalize it. There is enough crap to go around...there is enough strength to end it. How to end it? Release it. Dump it here in cyberspace where it cant hurt anyone, and maybe help someone. I feel done with it, for today. Amazing how just examining something objectively can be so cathartic. I cannot believe how much better I feel right now...peaceful really wow...just let it go and work from that space. Of course I havent encountered any of the people involved in this situation yet, I will let you know how that goes. :Unedited free type:

[Red Heart]

"Steadily shedding and shifting identification with these increaingly freer incarnations of self is kind of ladder climbing - Ascension - evolutionary process within what McKenna calls 'Human Adulthood', it's part of the story. Realizing that none of these versions of 'you', no matter how advanced, are really You, is Enlightenment."

Malcolm from a while back....I am me...and now this makes [more] sense

[Red Heart]

just found this in a notebook that is not mine that was left behind by a student that has gone on to Med School.
How to Defeat Yourself
1) Dont seek to understand your problem
2)Dont take the blame
3)Be passive aggressive
5) Avoid Self dicipline

Not sayin' just sayin'

[Red Heart]

Good morning Dear Readers,
Yesterday was a bit hectic and HOT...so I got lazy. The quest continues to reclaim my fabulousness...How was I fabulous yesterday and the day before? I went swimming, it was hot. In the Northeast 95 degrees is HOT... fucking HOT...so my brain cooked. I am also working on reclaiming my power without being snatchy about it. Thats a work in progress needless to say. Yesterday I happily did my work, work I really dont like to do but for some reason I found joy in it. Weird...Then I went with my son to the river (our backyard) and there were tons of folks that I havent met before so I mingled, realizing that my social skills have diminished greatly over the past 5 years, I am becoming that socially awkward geek...that must stop. I have been working on the fabulous thing and realizing that there are alot of threads there to unwind. So bizarre that there is so much in my head that is firstly not mine and secondly so very untrue. I woke up this morning and went to have a butt and listen to what was going on with me and wondered...why is it so easy to connect to negativity? (an ongoing question) Why dont I wake up and think to myself...I ROCK!!! what a beautiful day to be perfection! I am going to go out and kick some neuroscience ASS today!!!! WOOOT! Instead it goes something like this "what problems am I going to have today? Why did _______ say such hurtful things to me? Why am I doing this? How will I fail to live up to my own expectations today and how can I circumvent that? (Eyore much???) Wow! no wonder its been a rough time, no wonder I allowed my fabulousness to slip away...KRIPEY! The river of consciousness that runs just below the surface is a bitch. So lets break down expectations. Shall we?
Expectations are the mindkiller imo. Yup that simple. I expect myself to be the best at everything...not just good...the best. Ohhhh that sucks, so D....um when do you get to just be and when will that be ok? Dammit I hate it when my fingers take off without me....Didnt meant to type that...but I did. Crying at work is bad...I must pick this up later.

[Red Heart]

so D....um when do you get to just be and when will that be ok?

I had a dream last night about this...I dreamed I was in a room and there were huge piles of plastic hollow "skins" of me stacked everywhere, and I was standing in the middle of them. There were hundreds of me's stacked like kindling everywhere...yet I was there and in that moment I understood...I am all of them and none of them, the drama unfolds, I can choose to be effected or not effected, then I saw the little girl of about 3 or 4 that was me...all me, perfect and free...I am that too, yet not, I get it now. I also saw that I can walk out of any of the skins anytime I choose to, it has always been that way. I am.

[Red Heart]

On conflict...just occured to me while being mindless (Yes Kris I still play the game)
We are completely in la la land if we try to create a life without conflict. That implies that we are not thinking or at least not engaged in life. The trick is to deal with conflict...to remain self amidst the craziest conflicts, that is the lesson. Be ok with conflict learn from it and resolve it honestly and honorably. As I taught my kids: its ok to fight and disagree, its gonna happen because you are two different people, its not in the fight...its in the putting things back together...good one.

[Red Heart]

another week another....um well, week
Nothing terribly exciting, except for this otherworldly calm that has settled over my life these days. A feeling of peace, acceptance and a new level of energy. I have chosen correctly. Its all about taking the fork in the road I think. Being honest enough to take the road that is best for me...not my ego, or my need for consensus, or my need to be praised. Being able to say I want this...and have it be ok. So what do I want? I want to educate, I want to guide, I want to explore some important questions (to me), I want to be with my amazing husband, kids and grandkids, and I want to make a few bucks along the way. Im doing that. I am blessed. As John McLean from that movie would say "yeee haw motherfuckers!"

[Red Heart]

I feel like its been forever since I have posted. I have been working hard and very interesting things are goin down all around me. I have finished my presentation and now I am getting in touch with people who can help me present it. People are starting to funnel back into my life from before I went back to school. I can see where the hoop has come back around in the same place but not on the same level. Very interesting strings have floated by and I am grabbing them wondering how it will all weave together, I just trust that they will and it will be amazing...as always. I can see a group of people starting to form to accomplish something, but as yet Im not sure what. Movement forward with no direction as yet, kinda like jello just before it sets up. Still fluid, yet almost solid...green jello, full of promise and full of potential, wonder who will be the fruit?

[Red Heart]

Morning, how is everyone this St Johns Day? Today the sun goes into the sign of Cancer (my sign). The longest day of the year, the day to burn off things that no longer work, and to burn from within with new thoughts, ideas, and projects. Today I burn off old ideas about self that are no longer "growing corn" for me, and I leave them here to smolder. I leave behind the idea that my dreams are bigger than I am. I leave behind the notion that I need to jump through anymore hoops that do not bring me joy. I leave behind the idea that I am not worthy. I leave behind the idea that I am broken (actually upon writing that one I had already left it behind) I leave behind the idea that I cannot complete things. I leave behind the idea that I am unlovable/unlikable. I leave behind the notion that I cannot ________ insert fear here. Fortunately at the time of this writing I am not feeling terribly limited. Thats a really interesting notion. Oh wait, one more... I leave behind the idea that I cannot do chemistry...that one is a little booger I gotta tell ya...BURN IT!!!!!! All these things are false...not truth. Im not even going to mingle the thoughts that are burning within me in the same post as this....Im looking for an analogy, the only thing that comes to mind is the smelly black residue left over from making beer...its black, tarry and really smelly. yucky.