The Storyteller

[Red Heart]

I thought I had posted this somewhere...maybe not but it has come to my attn that it should be posted again

Ego just tells the story over and over again
maiveeta[10:02:43 AM]: Its about stopping the story
maiveeta[10:02:53 AM]: and seeing what is there..

It really is as easy as that...as always...kinda. The evil little fucker in the attic does not like to give up so easily. You know who Im talkin about. However, this time I am aware that it is not telling a true story, or giving accurate descriptions of things. I am letting it ramble, while understanding its a lie. Interesting days....

[Malcolm]

Nice. As you say, it's possible to hear the ego's running commentary rambling on but no longer believe it or identify with it. Is there any need to 'stop it' if it no longer holds us captive? Perhaps it becomes as inoffensive as background birdsong?

[datura]

Yes, go after it and rip the veil dorothy!

I thought I had posted this somewhere...maybe not but it has come to my attn that it should be posted again

Ego just tells the story over and over again
maiveeta[10:02:43 AM]: Its about stopping the story
maiveeta[10:02:53 AM]: and seeing what is there..

It really is as easy as that...as always...kinda. The evil little fucker in the attic does not like to give up so easily. You know who Im talkin about. However, this time I am aware that it is not telling a true story, or giving accurate descriptions of things. I am letting it ramble, while understanding its a lie. Interesting days....

[Red Heart]

A most interesting evening...

So I have been re-capping everything that comes up no matter how trivial. Last night just before sleep (I went to bed early to work on it, I do best just before sleep) I realized with a confused surety that I have no clue who I am. It was a very confusing and weird experience. I realized in that moment (and am still processing) that not only am I not who I thought I was, but Im not what I have been told I am. It was a very pure moment. I am not sure what to think about it/trying not to think too much about it...and I am trying to not let it get away like so much smoke. I think this is important, or I dont...I dunno, but its weird. I feel good, clear, and a little confused, tenative because I dont want it to get away but I know if I dwell on it then it will change because I have then morphed it into its own box which it does not need. I feel like Im dancing on the razors edge, which is interesting to say the least...theres more but its still too new.

[Malcolm]

A most interesting evening...

So I have been re-capping everything that comes up no matter how trivial. Last night just before sleep (I went to bed early to work on it, I do best just before sleep) I realized with a confused surety that I have no clue who I am. It was a very confusing and weird experience. I realized in that moment (and am still processing) that not only am I not who I thought I was, but Im not what I have been told I am. It was a very pure moment. I am not sure what to think about it/trying not to think too much about it...and I am trying to not let it get away like so much smoke. I think this is important, or I dont...I dunno, but its weird. I feel good, clear, and a little confused, tenative because I dont want it to get away but I know if I dwell on it then it will change because I have then morphed it into its own box which it does not need. I feel like Im dancing on the razors edge, which is interesting to say the least...theres more but its still too new.

Great Stuff.

[redspiderlily]

A most interesting evening...

So I have been re-capping everything that comes up no matter how trivial. Last night just before sleep (I went to bed early to work on it, I do best just before sleep) I realized with a confused surety that I have no clue who I am. It was a very confusing and weird experience. I realized in that moment (and am still processing) that not only am I not who I thought I was, but Im not what I have been told I am. It was a very pure moment. I am not sure what to think about it/trying not to think too much about it...and I am trying to not let it get away like so much smoke. I think this is important, or I dont...I dunno, but its weird. I feel good, clear, and a little confused, tenative because I dont want it to get away but I know if I dwell on it then it will change because I have then morphed it into its own box which it does not need. I feel like Im dancing on the razors edge, which is interesting to say the least...theres more but its still too new.

Nice!

[Red Heart]

more to learn, more to learn

Yesterday was certainly a comedy of errors...first thing in the morning I sent a bonehead reply to the "Big" boss after forwarding a smartass reply to my boss...OOPS
I broke a piece of 100k equipment in the lab, and on of the student lab assistants had a meltdown because Im not "organized" enough...oi, I was in a bit of a tither, but overall, I thought it was kinda funny, took it easy and just kinda "went with the flow"

Heres how it all panned out...The big boss it seems is much like a duck, she doesnt care what you say as long as you are getting her work done...who knew? I would have been a little pissy being made fun of like that...it wasnt a bad thing it was just cheeky. I told my boss and he laughed his ass off, asked me what I had learned and he said he has my back (hhm interesting)
I did not break the HPLC...it doesnt like the chemicals we were running through it to break free a clog...my boss said it does that no worries. hm.
The lab tech is 19 and overwhelmed. She will be ok, she just needs to be talked down.

my point? If I had listened to the same old tired story my day would have been shot. It wasnt the best day ever, BUT it didnt live up to its potential to be a horrific day. AND nothing was as it appeared had I listened to whatever little demon lives in my head it would have been awful. I did not and it was not...I dunno Im not saying this right...nothing is what it appears

[Malcolm]

AND nothing was as it appeared had I listened to whatever little demon lives in my head it would have been awful. I did not and it was not...I dunno Im not saying this right...nothing is what it appears

Great. Yeah, and when we identify with that interpretive 'voice' and go with it, we would swear that the interpretation was not an 'interpretation' but 'how it really is' because it is then experienced as 'reality'. This thread you are pulling can unwind the whole fabric (as in 'fabrication' LOL) eventually.

[Red Heart]

This shit is NOT as easy as it appears. I feel like Shrek, as in an onion, layers baby, layers.

So last week I feel like Im making great progress...till Friday. Duh Duh Dunnnnnnn.
A number of things just flew into my head and out again and I got caught up in the lies even THOUGH I KNEW they were lies at the time...oi so to recap

Im in a meeting with all the big wigs, its halloween and one of the "giant heads" brings in candy for everyone...I dont like chocolate (I know, a heretic) so I declined his offer of candy, he said "good for you" <spiral down down down>, heres the way that conversation went in my head "so he thinks ur fat...well you are you know, loser..." on and on. Even though I knew I was being tricked I fell for it. Felt like crap and it put me in a terrible mood.

Fast forward about 2 hours. Another "giant head" (and personal friend btw who I so love) comes into the lab and starts just rippin apart everything that I am doing and bullying me (at least thats how I heard it) and so I give it back to her...oops I am not one to be bullied by anyone. I know she isnt a chemistry person she has much expertise in another field that I do not have so I start berating her with my knowlege of things (its just because we are in different fields of study) and I start yelling she starts yelling, and the biggest giantest head (who is a psychiatrist) just stood there with a look of "hm, I wonder whats going to happen next".

Needless to say the day wore me out. The next morning I woke up still thinking about it. I am now processing and recapping and all that shit...now I understand the warrior part. This shit is much more tiring and work than it appears, now I am wondering to what end...

[Red Heart]

sometimes Im such a knucklehead...the end is to stop the spiral, the being worn out so that I can experience a new level of here and now..thats it, thats all, and its totally worth it...right?

[Gonzo]

sometimes Im such a knucklehead...the end is to stop the spiral, the being worn out so that I can experience a new level of here and now..thats it, thats all, and its totally worth it...right?

Totally...

[datura]

Maiv - while the two events of this which occured the candy incident and thot of 'fat,' vs the argument with the other individual - even though they seem separate issues - do you see a 'connection' to them?

[Red Heart]

absolutely! Raging against the machine....

[datura]

When I see things, I see things a bit differently - so bear with:

its halloween the day of wearing 'masks.' "Big wigs" and "Giant head" were used in verbage. A little later "Big" boss. Big, Giant, Big.

Fat.

"Evil little fucker" and "demon in the head" and "ego."

Why label something which is unreal, and doesnt exist?

And why 'shrink' so small? For in your labeling them as "big" or "giant," you "shrink," and invoke the unreal, the "evil little fucker." The small one.

See it?

absolutely! Raging against the machine....

[Red Heart]

Why label something which is unreal, and doesnt exist?

because I could not relate my experiences to myself or to others. For what its worth, right now thats all I can give ya

And why 'shrink' so small? For in your labeling them as "big" or "giant," you "shrink," and invoke the unreal, the "evil little fucker." The small one.

The evil little fucker is easier to manage, and the giant heads are a visual inside my own head...makes them less real to me. Kinda like the martians in Starship Troopers, funny therefore dealable, less threatening.