The Storyteller

[Red Heart]

Okie doke..thats done, now for the fun stuff. What is burning in there? Beauty light and talent. I have started a new endeavor that is really an old endeavor. I have been "recruited" to go back to my roots. I am taking what I have learned over the past 5 years and applying it to my practice. What is her practice you may ask...good question, I have been attempting to define it for a while and I am having a hellava time distilling it down to explainable terms. When someone asks me what I will be doing I dont have a one word answer that makes sense...yet... but it burns within me. I take people out of their comfort zone (or back to it) using kayaking, or hiking (thats what I have done up till now, intuition tells me what they need...it could be anything). While we are engaged in an activity and that part of their brain is occupied, we chat, we chat about whatever comes up. I can often hear the roadblocks pretty clearly, the defenses, the rationalizations for not moving forward, I then gently steer the conversation to that thing to look at as closely as the client is able to look...then a little push, chat push chat push...till we hit the meat of the matter. Then when the timing is right I take them to the table. I do my own stylized type of ???reiki??? I hesitate to use that word because reiki has become so watered down to this really passive thing, what I do is not. Its very dynamic and very focused energy work...with an herbal body wrap and salt glow Im exhausted/exhilarated at the end. Im exhausted mostly because this takes anywhere from 4-6 hours. I also will be teaching my passions...herbs, aromatherapy, research, chemical interactions of herbs with other herbs and medications, Science and Spirituality of herbs and energy healing modalities, and manipulative modalities. My plan is to be out of the lab by October with a busy practice. Empowerment, Experience, Education. Yeah I like that.

[Gonzo]

Use The Force, Luke...

[Red Heart]

things go on and on....I have come to some very interesting conclusions here lately. While it is important to do what you love, there are steps that need to be taken in order to do this. I always thought "just do it" and it will work itself out...I guess that happens sometimes, but not for me. This time I am doing meticulous planning, networking, and working toward the time I will be cut loose from the lab, school, and security. I am hoping I will be ready...I just re-read that last sentance...hope is for people who are prepared to fail. I assure you I am not. So much for hope. Hope...hm was not going to write about that but I can feel that word is just pissin me off right now. What does hope mean to me? Hope is some nebulous warm fuzzy feeling that is white (what can I say...thats how I percieve it) it reminds me of cotton balls. I hope I can _____, gosh I will try...another word that pisses me off...wow, this is all news to me. So to recap, Try and Hope two of the most wishy washy excuse words ever. I feel like overcooked macaroni even thinking abou them. These two words leave a gap. A failure gap. A gap where there is no self responsibility to make things happen using intent. The meaning of the words hope and try...leave me feeling weak, and like I am a vicitim of the energies of the universe. Oh Bleg...I am the creator of my own future....thats an interesting belief as well. Some of the stuff that has happened lately is certainly not of my doing...Im not that smart. So, what is my role in all this? That right there is an interesting friggin question...What is my role? Hmmm...my role in my life; what is it? that is the BIG question aint it? today I feel like my role is to prepare. To do all of the little things (like write that paper I have been putting off) the little meticulous things that will culminate in the bigger things...holy crap. Well, I guess I should get hot and get on that paper....interesting times to be sure...

[Zamurito]

~

So, what is my role in all this?

Learning to take your hand off the tiller.

"Success" and "Failure" only 'count' when there's a stake in the outcome. Understanding how one perceives this is quite enlightening.

Ala G's previous comment: "Use the Force, Luke...."

[Red Heart]

vast revelation time...a vast one on a whole new level. I have been rolling this around in my melon for months so Im just gonna puke it out here and see how it looks
There is nothing intrinsically "wrong" with anyone or anything. I have just been told that this=right or this=wrong. Then I have taken my world experience and woven a story around right wrong and how I fit into the whole scenario. With that said, I=me, and others = input. Right input wrong input no judgment just informational input. without any external input it is possible that I would have made much different conclusions than I have. Without input what would be different? A great thought experiment. Ok, so my next wondering is this...what if I throw away all of the input that has been given me, and will be given to me? How would I do that? Hmmm commence au pondering!

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[Red Heart]

Well happy birthday to me. Another one down with many more to come. Having an interesting time. So I have been looking hard at inputs, and how they become outputs. I got a phone call from my dad last night, saying happy birthday! He asked if it was today (yesterday) and I said no, it was today. He said yeah, yeah, whatevah... well you have a good un. I didnt think too much about it because he never calls on the right day and it doesnt really matter anyway, however, it did start an avalanche of thought.

I have always been the rebel in the family. Kinda passive aggressive bullshit, but nothing terrible. I have always also had very low self esteem, been overweight, and generally a plain talking, one of the boys, tomboy. Exactly the things my father never wanted. I have done exactly the opposite of what my parents wanted me to do. Interesting. I have become the anti-daughter, is that me, or is that something I have constructed in order to gain some attention no matter how negative? My sisters (I am the oldest with 3 sisters and a brother) are tall and beautiful, very centered on beauty and weight, and looking good at all costs. I am completely the opposite. No makeup, I dress like I just rolled out of bed and into some clothes, my hair is never perfect, or really even close. I am sometimes embarrassed with my lack of give a shit. So I try to be something that other people approve of and it lasts for about a week then back to the old me. I am generally comfortable except when others are not. Then I think "fuck them, its not their life its mine"...then someone gives me some shit about how I dress or look ie: you have such a pretty face, why dont you _______ (insert well meant advice).

I get positive feedback when I do something that the family can brag about, or when someone needs something, other than that I am generally ignored, or treated like Im the mom (our mother passed 22 years ago). I am often lied to about what is going on in the family, bad behaviors and family situations are often kept from me till someone wants to tattle on another one...oi, I have no clue who I really am. Again the question, who am I, where does the I AM live in me. Gonna be a long day...Happy Birthday to me...

[Red Heart]

After much pondering I have come to some ?new? thoughts. I have been accused of being too rigid, too sure of my ideas, too cold too logical too much (not the first time I have been accused of being too much either). I have been doing this on purpose, its like trying on new fashions. I have been going through a spiritual fashion show. Trying on this, inspecting it, droppinng what I dont need, then trying on something else. Like new shoes with an old skirt..etc. So what have I come up with in this part of the show? Not to be mired in one position or another, being able to change my shirt or my hat or my shoes at will, being open to the experience of an orange shirt with purple pants...while it may seem an eye sore, there are things to be learned, what fits well, what feels right. Sometimes fashion faux pas on one person makes another person the most beautiful they have ever looked...but you have to be brave enough to try on anything without fear or judgement...I like this alot!

[Red Heart]

full of shit? Feel free to respond.

[Gonzo]

Not. However, trying on different guises or styles and/or etc not my cuppa for some reason.

And happy belated birthday, btw.

[Red Heart]

Not. However, trying on different guises or styles and/or etc not my cuppa for some reason.

And happy belated birthday, btw.

Thanks for the HB,

That is the beauty of all of this stepping out stuff. Everyone seeks in their own way. Consensus happens sometimes, and sometimes it does not. Is that what we all seek? Consensus is comfy, and warm. Hm. another thing for me to ponder. Thanks for the input G.

[Red Heart]

I have come to a terrible revelation today. I am just sick with it. I know how shamans give up the body and die. They just stop caring. They stop doing the things they love that give them energy. How do I know this? I stopped doing just that. Then I started doing something that charges the old batteries again and I was horrified at the condition of my body as well as the short amount of time required to get to that broken down state. I just took a long swim. I woke up this morning feeling really crabby and achey. just kinda feh. I puttered around a little had some coffee just tried to shake the crankies. It really wasnt anything major, something we all experience sporadically. I looked out the window and the river called to me. I finished up yet another FUCKING paper and sent it to the appropriate prof then allowed myself to have some fun. I went out with my son, and we decided to take the short-ish swim to the swim platform. It took me a while to get there and I felt like crap when I finally made it. I crawled up onto the platform and thought to myself then said to my son "this is the worst shape I have been in in my entire life". I didnt feel embarassed or anything just wondered that it had gotten to this point. After swimming back to our yard the dam broke in my melon. I was beginning to release life. If I had allowed this situation to occur (which I am not) I can speculate where I would have wound up, casket comes to mind...a bad state of affairs. Till today I have always prided myself on being strong, smart and generally positive minded. Now I have hit my own bottom...time to stop bottom feeding and move on...oi, theres so much more but it isnt quite formed yet and its hot as hell with this hot laptop on my lap. but I think this has much to do with my new practice.

[Red Heart]

OMG, I hae found Voldemort and it is me....

[Gonzo]

Now I have to Wiki Voldemort...

[Red Heart]

On this beautiful summers afternoon I have a few thoughts rolling around inside my melon. first and foremost is my epiphany that I have completely withdrawn from the "magical". Last night while no thinking in my favorite place I realized something kinda significant for me. I have abandoned the mystical for the logical. In an effort to more fully embrace the mystical I have set it aside to uncover the practical. In re reading this it doesnt make alot of sense outside of my head...hm how to put it?
There was a time that I could feel the thing that was just out of reach...the mystery that just was on the wings of the dragonfly, the messages in the bluejay's call, the law that lived in the eye of the crow, and the meaning of no longer growing corn in my life. I then felt that there was more to all of this, I knew that if I could figure out how it all works that "God/ess" mysteries would be more clear. So I commenced to askin some questions, some quesitons that have some serious physiological answers. The more I delved the more I could see God, and it was us. Then, quite recently actually, I stopped seeing even that, it was just another system, no longer magic, no longer a mystery waiting to be found. I didnt realize till then that life had become very one dimensional, it just kind of snuck up on me. There is sooooooooooooo much more than just this...just mystical, just physical, just anything. I feel like I have been exploring a plateau, flat and linear. Not boring, not bad just not complete. I can feel myself living in my head. So now to kick it up again...and find a blend of the two things, that is the next step. yes that is it.

Now, for the other thing. Bullies, doormats, and reacting to them. I am confounded by the difference between having nothing to defend (which places the onus on the recvier of the bullying) and being a doormat, and returning bullying with bullying (which is what I have done, and I hate it, as it is not constructive, yet kind of fun at the time) I have found with the bullying that it gives a little power surge, a little feeling of having the power to elicit an expected emotion. I find this to be in the long run, less than empowering (which is different than power imo) for anyone. Im just confused. Ignore them they will go away...that is not a solution, that is acceptance of bad behavior. Talk to the bully? No that is not possible as they see that as weakness, and exploit it. Disengage? seems the most reasonable tactic. But very difficult in a work situation or in a social one...this is more complex than first imagined. I cannot change anyones behavior, only mine. So what to do? Strike out? Allow the bully to run me out? No. dont like that either...hm the only thing I can think of is to change my mind...but to what? and how? must go to the river to find out....

[Red Heart]

Wowie kazowie! How does that line of logic work? A line of reasoning that is stunning at best. How does that happen without ramifications? Rational gone quite mad...The only thing that can possibly change is me, the insanity of others has just stunned me...Crap!