On Warriorship, a new perspective (for Me)

[Red Heart]

I have been looking around and taking in some of the conversations on other forums, and listening to other people talk about "stuff". Rolling it all around in the palate of my brainpan and wondering some things...and coming to some conclusions for myself.
Warriorship is not about war against others, its about war against untrue ideas of self and of the world around us. While some "warriors" appear to be cranky and judgmental, others seem blissed out and full of peace love and cheeze whiz. I trust the former rather than the latter. Why you may wonder? Because it has recently occurred to me that peace love and cheeze whiz (PLC) is easy. Its not just easy its a trap. Wha Wha Wha??? isnt that the point? That we all just get along? I think not. There are no hard truths in PLC. There is rest in PLC...there is fuzzy warm complacency in PLC...but very rarely the kind of clarity and forward movement as a smack upside the head with some cold hard reality. Not comfortable, not "kind", not even pretty sometimes. Yet, how else can we find our way? Being uncomfortable causes one to ask some questions...the more uncomfortable the more complex and insightful the questions. The answers to those questions are what brings enlightenment imho.
Warriorship is another level. Being able to "take" the criticism, the truth that others see, ask the hard questions of self. Am I really this? Or am I really that? These are hard hard questions to face, because it upsets our PLC applecart, often in very very sharp and uncomfortable ways. This is what I call the slicing away of detritus...when it hurts ur getting to the real issues that keep the real self from the real self.
This whole thing is not about changing anyone elses world. Its about "seeing" YOUR total nature, YOUR totality of self. You alone are the honored one.
I never really understood what that meant till recently...never really grasped what that means. I alone am the honored one...If my discovery of who I am helps another...sweet. If not, equally as sweet...we alone are the honored ones...so honored.

[Red Heart]

morning. Interesting times to be sure. I have been doing some really interesting work and just wanted to plop it down somewhere. Since this is my favorite plopping stop...here it is.
As I have said before I have a real issue with all things chemistry. This is the last class of my undergraduate experience...I want to squeeze out every drop of lesson from this experience. So...on with the show
My exams have been sloppy, I have missed questions or not even answered questions on some of them...I did not see the questions. This is so NOT like me. Both exams have been the same, sloppy. I have been beside myself in the past with not being able to "get it" (it is really frustrating). Well. Seems that there was a little issue from Junior High that has been contributing to this blockage some 40 years later. Words...so powerful. I was "that kid" who would stay in at recess in order to get more microscope time. Finding paramecium in swampwater was my favorite thing to do. My science teacher asked me if I had ever thought of going into biology...excitedly I responded YES! continuing my peering into the secret world of swamp water. I became the teachers pet, and was allowed to come after school and during recess to learn more. A few days later my science teacher came to me and said "Im sorry you cant do that...I found out you cant do math, you cant do science". Then all the special privileges were gone. I was no longer special. I think that was the biggest letdown. I moved on with life and what life has to bring...and this episode was just lying dormant...till I roused it with Chemistry. I didnt understand why I understood chem, yet, tests were always a disaster. I stalked the feelings, asked others incessently what they "saw" what they thought what their tricks were to get over it, tried self hypnosis, whined about it, felt self conscious about it, and felt dumb.....generally I was a pain in the ass to everyone I knew about this.
What didnt I do? Just face it. Just look it in the eye with ruthless clarity. I didnt allow myself to feel dumb, I didnt allow myself to feel anything but self pity. thats what fear is you know...self pity. So. I have started understanding some stuff. It seems to be working...my final final is next Saturday....and Im feelin kinda hopeful. Freedom from the past, and from crushing words.

[Red Heart]

well, I did it, or rather we did it. I have finished my undergraduate career with a baccalaureate degree in behavioral neuroscience. Its been quite a ride really....got alot more than I bargained for. There are those of you that have listened to me whine and struggle and push through, to you I give my greatest gratitude. The closing of this cycle was intense and trying...and startling really. Heres how it went.

As many of you know I have a chemistry issue, my last class to complete my degree was the dreaded biochemistry...why in the hell didnt I take it sooner...just in case???? I guess being the drama queen that I am I wanted to go out with a bang...and that I did. There was some serious time that I wasnt sure that I was going to pass...but I did. I closed the cycle, finished, and did it fully, and with intent. you may be asking yourself...fabulous...so what? I have never had this experience before. I finished, I left my job on good terms, I persevered until it was done, and prepared for the beginning of a new cycle. Even though my life appeared to be falling apart...I learned it was all an illusion. Heres what happened.

My dog has been ill since June, we thought it was allergies, turns out not so much. Two weeks before the final my girl had to be put down, we had her company for 10 years. That same day my father was rushed to the hospital with kidney failure. A week prior my son had an emotional collapse, and the same day announced he and his wife are getting a divorce, it was intense to say the least. I had to pass this class to get my degree, I had already put in my notice at work and was training my replacement, and have run out of undergraduate funding...it was all riding on my worst subject...in retrospect I truely am a drama queen. So amidst the chaos that my life had become I studied and studied and focussed and focussed and kept focus. Heres a little weird "coincidence". I was taking the exam with a special proctor in a room by myself due to severe test anxiety. I showed up early and a person was there who I was not expecting...we got ourselves organized and ready to take the exam and the woman that was proctoring the exam asked me if I was alright and I burst into tears...obviously not. She then asked me why I was there and not taking the exam with my class and I explained that I was experiencing severe test anxiety. She just looked at me and blinked a couple of times and asked if I knew who she was and I said no....she explained that one of her jobs at UNE was to council people with test anxiety....hunh I said...no one ever told me about you...so we talked and she counciled me for about a 1/2 hour I took my test and yes...did well enough to graduate. And I understand what the process of test anxiety is for me now. No one had ever explained it like that before...and it was right on the money. So the payoff? The lesson?

Its all an illusion, one will fail only if one loses the focus, and gets entangled with emotion...which is only a feeling not something that can really change anything unless you allow it to. I learned to be grateful for the experience...all the experiences, from abusive scientists to learning that I can do anything...as long as I leave behind ideas of should would and could and just do.

[Red Heart]

so, a new thing to ponder...consensus, not having consensus, outcast, not fitting in...a few instances have come to light over the past couple of days...all have to do with my innate talent for catalyzing interesting reactions from people. At my new work I have already managed to elicit (quite unwittinly btw) some lively conversation about pushing people too far....from their safe place. And quite surprisingly being not included on another forum...struck me more than I would have thought/liked. Hunh...what am I doing right? I am exploring my own need for consensus...I think that is being challenged in order to really shake up some stuff, to find within myself the strength to say what needs to be said and to help people move forward themselves...its been a really wrenching few weeks, looks like its gonna keep up for a while longer...bleh.

[Red Heart]

so continuing on the subject of truth...last night my son called, during our conversation my husband called and my son ringed off and said "call me back when you are done" I was distracted by the other call wondering what my husband needed and offhandedley said "yeah ok talk to you later" and transferred the call to talk to my husband. About an hour later my son calls back and asks me if I forgot to call him back...I said no, I said I would talk to you later... nothing about calling you back...that was my memory, then he got irritated and accused me of lying to him (long story short). So what was the truth? My truth is that I misunderstood...His truth is that I forgot and just didnt want to own up to it. What is the truth? Why does truth matter? Is it just possible that truth is just consensus? And consensus makes us feel safe? ohhhh thats good stuff right there. Is that truth? Consensus on what makes us feel safe and warm? Knowing that we arent alone in the universe...having to take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions? mwahahahaha truth be damned, Im gonna do what I believe is truth....as long as its safe and warm, and no one is tipping my PLC cart of course.